this is where I am at.

I haven’t written anything in a while purely because I haven’t had the energy to. Before the words used to spill out. My fingers frantically trying to keep up with the word vomit issuing from my head. I would write down exactly what I was thinking with little curation to the structure or line of thought. However, after some time spent this morning  reviewing my previous musings, I see that they seem to wander from angsty teenage outcries to the attempts of a young woman trying to unravel her purpose in life.

I tended to write about dance because it’s my chosen career path (at least for the moment). Always finding some way to bring everything full circle, to apply it to class, to performance, to rehearsal. It was naivety, but also the illusion that everything in life should enrich my dancing. I’m not saying that it shouldn’t, it just shouldn’t be about that all the time. Sometimes I don’t want to think about dancing. I want to be more than dancing. I am a woman who dances, but I am also so much more, and I think that this is something that has become apparent now that I’m finally dancing for a living.

– side note, I have found it very useful to start referring to myself as a woman and no longer as a girl, for I am a woman and it’s about time that I should start identifying myself as that.

We’ve been on holiday for a month from Black Box, and it’s been the first time in a long time that I’ve been completely on holiday. No impending assessments, part time jobs or coursework to do. My days are completely free, no obligation to be productive and boy is it wonderful. So wonderful because I’ve begun to reconnect with how Charlotte is. Charlotte likes reading, cooking, bullet journals, coffee, anything sweet tasting, gardening and everything to do with the pursuit of self sufficient homesteading. When it boils down to it, in the long run all my dreams revolve around the home and no longer about my career. I care about spending time with my parents, and staying connected with friends. I acquired my first piece of art this month and started a compost bin. I’ve been cycling along the canal, eating rhubarb and clothes shopping.

If I wanted to dance, I danced. If I wanted to go to the gym, I went to the gym. Being able to do things when I want to do them has been crucial this month. I have indulged every whim and impulse that has crossed my mind. Fluidly changing my daily plans depending on whether I needed more sleep, what the weather was doing or if I was hungry.

Although I know this isn’t a sustainable use of my time, for I will have to go back to work at the end of July and immerse myself in the trials and tribulations of being a dancer, I hope I can keep some of this woman with me. A reminder that the dancer is one of the many faces of Charlotte (little Game of Thrones ref. there) but that there is also many other sides of me that keep me fulfilled in life.

 

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